By Erica Mallery, drinking coach, founder of ShameOver, and host of the ShameOver podcast
On October 21, 2026, I spoke at the HerStory Online Summit, hosted by Getrude Matshe, on the theme Visibility to Legacy. My talk is about why so many women reach for a drink, why shame keeps us stuck, and how getting curious can change what we pass on to our kids. My talk starts at 1:45:16 in the replay above. Here are the big ideas.
Why do women reach for a drink at the end of the day?
Usually, it isn’t really about the alcohol. It’s about relief. After a day of carrying the visible and invisible load, the decisions, the overstimulation, the being needed, that first glass feels like permission to finally just be. What we’re often reaching for is the exhale, a moment of connection, or a way to turn down the volume.
Why is there so much shame around drinking?
Because women get a double message. The first: drink, relax, you deserve it. The second: if drinking becomes a problem, that’s on you. We normalize the behavior, then individualize the blame. That leaves a lot of women trying to figure it out alone.
How do you understand your relationship with alcohol?
Swap judgment for curiosity. “How many drinks did I have?” is just the tip of the iceberg. The better question is: what did I hope that drink would give me? Shifting from “What’s wrong with me?” to “What’s going on here?” creates room for change. Shame never does.
To be clear: I’m not anti-drinking. I still drink. And for some people, stopping completely is the best and safest choice. The goal is understanding, so your choices come from what you learn about yourself, not fear or guilt.
What does drinking have to do with legacy?
Legacy isn’t only what we leave behind. It’s the patterns we pass on without realizing it: how we handle stress, disappointment, and hard days. Our kids learn by watching, just like we did. Breaking a pattern doesn’t mean rejecting everything that came before. It means choosing what to carry forward. The legacy I want to help create isn’t perfection. It’s awareness, choice, and compassion.
Try this the next time you reach for a drink
Pause, take a breath, and ask: “What am I really looking for right now?” No eye roll, no lecture. Maybe it’s celebration. Maybe it’s 10 minutes without anyone touching you or asking where their shoes are. Just notice, and get curious.
“Visibility is not only about being seen by other people. It’s also about being willing to be seen by yourself.”
Curious about your own drinking patterns?
Two minutes, zero judgment.